Koy Roberts, Ph.D.

One of my best friends, Nathan Berry, an ophthalmologist in Burleson, passed along this email to me….
YOU AND YOUR CHILD
BUILDING A STRONG FOUNDATION
President Ronald Reagan accurately stated, “The home is the bricks and mortar of America.” The ultimate thermostat of a home is the parent. The way you and I talk to our spouses, our kids and our friends sets the tone of our home. If I criticize, complain, condemn, and “worry out loud” I can be sure my kids will be troubled and unstable emotionally. My world, like yours, is a RODEO these days! What can a parent do to keep the atmosphere at home calm and respectful?
THE WORRY TREE
When my kids were small, I heard a dear mentor of mine named Dr. Howard Hendricks say that every parent needs a “worry tree” just outside the front door. When we come into the house for the evening we hang all our fears and worries from the office, newspapers, etc. on the tree. When we leave the home in the morning they’ll be out there patiently waiting for us! (Better still, burn the tree!) The worry tree outside my front door happens to be a “red bud” tree. That tree must have strong branches. I’ve hung a world of worry and stress on that tree through the years. Thank you Howard Hendricks!
While speaking in Atlanta the other day, I encountered one of my favorite Kamp dads who is a banker and father of three young campers. His entire system is riding on the precipice of uncertainty. Many of his colleagues across the country are out of work and their companies are in “Chapter 11.” His home is calm, his heart is calm, and his kids are cheerful and resolute. I asked him what it was like and how he did it. His answer was insightful, “My kids have to see in me that I’m not afraid. My kids and I talk openly about what I’m feeling. I remind them of all God has done for us and that God is in control. God is a promise maker and a promise keeper. What’s real is not how much we have or don’t have. What’s real is God. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not passive. I’m in a battle and I’ll work hard to be the best in my field I can possibly be. I’ll bring my best to the game everyday, but ultimately God’s in control, not me.” Then my friend said something that gave me even greater peace, “History is full of men and women who’ve gone through failure and come out stronger on the other side.”

-Author Unknown

Austin writer Maya Perez, mother of a three year old, recently shared some feelings and thoughts that most all of us have experienced at one time or another.  This weekend I was tested personally when spending the day with my two year old son, Kash.  As I became engrossed in SportsCenter he managed to toddle into my office and into my desk drawers.  Never mind the erasable markers and crayons his Mom provides for him.  He knew my office contained the good stuff.  The Sharpies!!  Not more than 10 minutes must have passed before he dug through my desk drawers, found the Sharpies and proceeded to use our family room ottoman as his canvas.  “Da Da I color.”  After all the blood rushed out of my face I quickly had to regroup and figure out how to react, respond, and discipline my two year old Picaso.  Not to mention cover, clean or come up with an alibi before his mother came home!

Mrs. Perez reminds us all that the true meaning of discipline is “to teach or train” not scold, admonish, punish, or yell.  We are their most important models.  The most powerful source of teaching we provide our children is our own behavior.  We constantly teach by the way we live our lives, treat our children, work, play, and relate to others. They are watching and will emulate us.  No matter if they’re a two year old, a tween, or a teenager.

A great reminder by the group 33Miles that we only get just one time around.



Love

 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

This disturbing news article could have easily been written about Coppell, Flower Mound, Southlake, Lewisville, etc.  I regularly and routinely hear about such events from adolescents.  Teens move from house to house on the weekends depending upon which parents are out of town or which parents will allow parties.  A 2005 research study by the American Medical Association reported that about one-third of teens said it was “easy to obtain alcohol” from their parents. That figure climbs to 40 percent when it comes to getting alcohol from a friend’s parent. Twenty five percent of adolescents said they had attended a party where teens were drinking in front of parents.  Too many parents are trying to be cool with their kids.  If your kid thinks you’re mean it probably indicates you’re doing something right.  Parenting is a serious 24/7 job not a hobby to dabble in occasionally.

I will be speaking and participating in a panel discussion on Bullying Intervention and Prevention organized by the Coppell Gifted Association.  The discussion will be held Thursday evening, January 22nd at Coppell High School starting at 7:00 PM.

Teenagers might not outgrow behavioral problems according to recent research published int the British Medical Journal.  Researchers followed 3,500 teens for 40 years to assess the degree to which adolescent behavioral problems persist into adulthood.  Even those with relatively mild issues had poor outcomes in adulthood.  Teenage behavioral problems are critical indicators of a person who has difficulties developing and maintaining positive relationships which can impact their long-term mental health, employment stability, and family life.  It just might not be a phase.  Many people assume a teen will outgrow it but without intervention these adolescent behaviors could develop into serious long-term problems. 

Sports Illustrated’s ‘2008 Sportsman of the Year’ award is of no surprise to anyone this year.  Michael Phelps and his mind-boggling 8 Gold Medals captivated the country in August.  However, the manner in which his accomplishments have inspired thousands of children and teens who have ADHD is even more encouraging.  NY Times writer Tara Parker-Pope calls Phelps the new face of ADHD.  Ed Hallowell, a renowned ADHD expert for 25 years, has trumpted a call to ensure children know that ADHD does not have to be a curse.  In fact, Hallowell assures us ADHD can also be an asset if managed and channeled successfully.  The inspiring story of Phelps is one of my favorite ways to encourage kids and help them understand that while ADHD may have its limitation one can also use it to their advantage to achieve great things.  Unlimited energy and a laser focus on important goals can be a secret weapon that mere ordinary folks like me can only envy.  No longer must we allow children to suffer with low self esteem or depression due to this condition.  Tell them it can be the secret to their success!

Here are 2 little doses of ‘Ebenezer Scrooge’ for you just in time for the Holidays. Researchers recently released the results of the first comprehensive evaluation of how media effects children and adolescent physical health.  After examining 173 scientific studies researchers concluded that in over 80% of the studies there was a strong link between media exposure and long-term negative health effects on children.  Specifically, these studies linked higher amounts of media exposure with obesity, smoking, and sexual activity.  As if we needed any more evidence that limiting and setting boundaries on our children’s media consumption was of critical importance.

If that’s not enough bad news for you consider this –  The Josephson Institute just released its 2008 Report Card on the Ethics of American Youth.  The results of a survey of 30,000 high school students across the country revealed that they lie, cheat, and steal at alarming rates.  Understandably, this non-profit group was disturbed when they consider these young people to be the next generation of teachers, police, politicians, and corporate executives.  83% of students in public and private schools admitted lying to their parents about something of real significance. 64% reported cheating on a test which is up from 60% in 2006.  In fact, these numbers might actually underestimate the seriousness of the problem as 26% of the students admitted lying about 1 or 2 of the survey questions.  More disturbing are the statistics of young people who were content with their ethics and character.  93% were satisfied and 73% indicated that “when it came to doing what is right they were better than most people they knew.”  Umm…Okay. That makes me feel a lot better.  Pass the Eggnog.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday.  No gifts, no guilt, no hysterical commercialism. Just lots of good food, special time with family and friends, and time out to count my blessings.  I am especially thankful for my loving family and the wonderful kids, teens, parents, and families I am privileged to know in my counseling practice.  It’s a blessing to share life with you.  

The current issue of Biological Psychology presents a fascinating study from researchers at the University of Chicago who used brain scanning technology to learn whether the brain of an aggressive youth responds differently to violence than does the brain of someone who is not a bully.  In a disturbing finding, they discovered aggressive youths appear to enjoy inflicting pain on others.  Scientists compared eight 16-18 year olds who were unusually aggressive to a control group of teenage boys with no unusual signs of aggression.  When the bullies watched people intentionally inflicting pain on another, their scans showed a response in the part of the brain associated with reward and pleasure.  The non-aggressive youths did not show the same response.  This is an important finding as parents, psychologists, school administrators, and mental health professionals continue to wrestle with this epidemic.  The battle over bullying in our schools and among children in our community deserves at least as much attention as the fight to stop drug and alcohol use.  Unfortunately, most of the efforts I have witnessed are barely making a dent.  Just as the secrecy of drugs and alcohol make it difficult to detect among our youth; bullying in our schools occurs almost exclusively behind the backs of parents, teachers and administrators.  Kids have become unusually sophisticated in their means, methods, and strategies.  Victims know that often the bullying will intensify if they alert school personnel.  On January 22 I will speak and then participate in a forum with other professionals on ‘Bullying’ for the Coppell Gifted Association.  I will provide additional details as the date approaches.