Koy Roberts, Ph.D.

All my babies are gone now. I say this not in sorrow, but in disbelief.

I take great satisfaction in what I have today: three almost-adults, two taller than I am, one closing in fast. Three people who read the same books I do and have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of them, who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry, who need razor blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors closed more than I like.

Who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves.

Like the trick soap I bought for the bathroom with a rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely discernible except through the unreliable haze of the past.

Everything in all the books I once poured over is finished for me now. Penelope Leach, T. Berry Brazelton, Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling
rivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhood education – all grown obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild Things Are, they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages dust would rise like memories. What those books taught me, finally, and what the women on the playground taught me, and the well-meaning relations – what they taught me, was that they couldn’t really teach me very much at all.

Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay.

No one knows anything. One child responds well to positive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voice and a timeout. One child is toilet trained at 3, his sibling at 2.

When my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed on his belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time my last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of research on sudden infant death syndrome. To a new parent, this ever-shifting certainty is terrifying, and then soothing.

Eventually you must learn to trust yourself. Eventually the research will follow. I remember 15 years ago poring over one of Dr. Brazelton’s wonderful books on child development, in which he describes three different sorts of infants: average, quiet, and active. I was looking for a sub-quiet codicil for an 18-month old who did not walk. Was there something wrong with his fat little legs? Was there something wrong with his tiny little mind? Was he developmentally delayed, physically challenged? Was I insane? Last year he went to China. Next year he goes to college. He can talk just fine. He can walk, too.

Every part of raising children is humbling. Believe me, mistakes were made. They have all been en shrined in the ‘Remember-When-Mom-Did’ Hall of Fame. The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language – mine, not theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times I arrived late for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horrible summer camp. The day when the youngest came
barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on her geography test, and I responded, “What did you get wrong?” (She insisted I include that here.) The time I ordered food at the McDonald’s drive-through speaker and then drove away without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I include that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two seasons. What was I thinking?

But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of them, sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1. And I wish I could remember what w e ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed.
I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.

Even today I’m not sure what worked and what didn’t, what was me and what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I’d done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be. The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was sometimes over the top. And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the three people I like best in the world, who have done more than anyone to excavate my essential humanity. That’s what the books never told me. I was bound and determined to learn from the experts.

It just took me a while to figure out who the experts were.

By Anna Quindlen, Newsweek Columnist and Author

Wonderful, interesting, fascinating kids yet they struggle mightily to connect successfully with others (especially peers).  Usually perceived as odd or peculiar yet brilliant!  It’s at the mild end of what we call the Autistic Spectrum.  I love to work with these children.  Great story in the Dallas Morning News. http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/localnews/columnists/jfloyd/stories/122507dnmetfloyd.4a44278a.html
These children do not possess strong social skills but are unusually creative, intelligent, and gifted.  Asperger’s kids in my practice have trouble with what I call emotional and social reciprocity.  They do not possess the innate drive to connect intimately with others that one might expect.  Developing friendships or relationships is not a priority so motivating them to work on their social and interpersonal skills can be unusually difficult.  However, the earlier a parent can seek a diagnosis and intervene their overall prognosis and social success is exponentially better!  Thankfully, Asperger’s Syndrome has received a great deal more attention over the past several years and school districts and health providers have done a better job of identifying at risk youngsters.  I am amazed at the progress these kids have made in counseling in developing these important life skills.  Their intellect and single-minded determination can be a big plus once they are convinced of the value of cultivating strong emotional and social intelligence. Check out a great online resource that’s been around since 1996. http://www.aspergers.com/

“OLDS 1999 Intrigue. Totally uncool parents who obviously don’t love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the planet.”
Something so rare it made the national news.  A Fort Doge, Iowa mom puts ad in the paper and sells her son’s car after finding alcohol in it.  She says she has fielded over 70 phone calls congratulating her.  Congratulating her??  That’s called parenting.  I am sure she wonders why all the attention.  She simply gets it.  Someone who knows parenting is not a popularity contest.  Let’s follow her lead.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/01/09/mean.mom.ap/index.html

Have had a lot of great feedback from folks who watched my interview on Good Morning Texas!  Thanks so much for all the encouragement, support, and comments about TeenShrink!!  It seems like this new concept in adolescent counseling that meets teens on their turf and on their terms resonates with a lot of people.  Teens can be reluctant if not outright resistant to traditional, face-to-face counseling in an office setting.  They are usually more comfortable communicating via phone, email, or text messaging.  At the same time, parents and adolescents are often too busy and over scheduled as it is which makes office visits more burdensome.  This service is for teens and their parents who want 7 day-a-week access to a professional counselor when they want it or when they need it.  One benefit is that it costs about one-third the price of traditional counseling.  In addition, all scheduling, paperwork, and billing is done headache-free online at our website www.teenshrink.net.  If you have not watched the Good Morning Texas segment on WFAA Channel 8 with Paige McCoy Smith you can click this link below.
http://www.wfaa.com/video/gmtgeneral-index.html?nvid=207276&noad=yes

Enjoying some extended time away from the office and with my family this Holiday season.  I’ve been able to catch up on changing my fair share of diapers and some early morning feedings with my son, Kash, who recently turned one year of age.  My wife could not be happier to get a little more relief than she usually gets.  My daughter, Reese, turned the ripe old age of five the day after Christmas and told me she did not want to grow up.  Needless to say I did not discourage this idea.  We’ve exhausted ourselves wrestling and singing Christmas carols while she’s taught me the finer points of “Polly Pockets” and “High School Musical”. Blessings to you for a remarkable 2008 as a “Purple Cow” parent!  Make a resolution to spend more time with your spouse and your children and less time watching TV, surfing the Internet, or working more hours at the office.  No one on their death bed wishes they had spent more time working.  I’ve never attended a funeral where income, promotions, and career accomplishments were shared in the eulogy.  Its all about their relationships and their impact as a parent, spouse, sibling, son or daughter, and friend to those they’ve loved and left behind.  Live remarkably and love your family deeply each and every day in 2008.  Happy New Year!

New brain imaging research indicates ADHD kids’ brains can lag as much as 3 years in crucial areas that suppress inappropriate actions and thoughts, focus attention, remember things from moment to moment, and in areas where one works for rewards and controls movement.  This research confirms the biological nature of ADHD and also helps explain why some kids seem to ‘outgrow’ it with time.  However, one-half of these kids do not outgrow it and and require treatment into adulthood.  While the disorder itself is neurological in nature psychologists like myself work extensively with these kids and their families because of the ‘psychological’ consequences of living with this condition over time.  Delayed development in these crucial brain areas explains why I work diligently with ADHD kids to ramp up their social, emotional, and academic coping skills.  These kids are trying to play ‘catch up’ with their same age, same grade peers.  Many of these kids struggle with self-esteem and self-confidence along with anxiety and depression.  While their peers and teachers are plugging along they are chronically frustrated trying to keep up academically, emotionally, behaviorally, and socially.  It gives credibility to my suggestion to hold these kids back a grade when they are young so the gap can narrow while we work to accelerate development in these important areas.
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/news/nation/stories/111207_dnnatADD.2ca4c36.html